The night that
my brother went to prison I felt like I was left alone. I was twenty years old
and all my life my brother had always been there in some shape or form and now
all of a sudden, my superman wasn’t there anymore. I can look back now and
understand and appreciate everything he ever said to me. The strong, mental,
emotional and physical preparation he instilled prepared me for the sins of the
world, adversity and the daily challenges that come up throughout life. He
would always say, “If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready”. I used to struggle
with not having a father or no male roles models around to follow or lean on
for safety and protection. When I would feel lost and abandoned, my brother
would normally just tell me to dig deep. Look inside you, your heart already
has the answers. He expressed to me that life’s journey doesn’t have one answer
or one result. There will never be anyone who can show you the truth that
you’re searching for and yearning for because it’s already inside of you.
I
can still remember when I was a baby fighting to breathe in my brother’s arms
while he was holding me in the front seat of my mother’s car. He would hold me
so close and tight and rock me back and forth. My mother would be able to call ahead
and drive behind the police escorts so they could get me to the hospital as
fast as possible. I believe that we had so some many police escorts that we
actually moved closer to the hospital.
Years later I
remember reaching out and thanking my brother for his comfort and felt terrible
for having to put him through such a horrific ordeal at a young age. I still
can’t imagine what it must have felt like having to hold a younger sibling in
your arms during a life or death situation and grow up with no side effects. All
I could do was expres
s my gratitude to my brother, thank him and apologize for
emotional trauma that I put him through as a child and to let him know that he
would always be my strength.
The response that I received from him was unexpected. He told me that he
remembered the situation differently and that he carries around a different
thought, feeling and emotion. He told me that the image in his head over these
years of me fighting for my life, is what made him stronger. He said, “yes I
was sacred but I would pray for you and rock you back and forth. I was scared
listening for you to breathe, hearing you gasping for breath. Every time I
would look into your eyes, you would always look back like you were saying,
“everything is going to be okay.” Ever since then if I was ever in a situation
that I couldn’t handle I would just imagine your face and relax thinking
everything’s going to be okay.
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